More Than I Really Cared to Share…

Continued from Many Were the Nations…

Wow. Life since Guatemala has been a whirling, somersaulting blur. Emotions mounting. A building restlessness. A crescendo to an ultimate decision I have yet to make. A question of addiction – but not what you think… at all. Let me explain by just continuing where I left off.

I had just a few days to pop in and say “hello-goodbye” to my special friends in San Pedro Sula, Honduras. As typical McNamara-fashion, I kept my schedule crazy-packed with plans so I could bury the deep melancholy of leaving and saying goodbye underneath a frenzied flourish of rushing around. “Hello-goodbye!” to Jason who gave me a place to call home more than once in SPS. “Hello-goodbye!” to dear Carlos and the regulars at Klein Bohemia. “Hello-goodbye!” to the incredibly generous Sheran family – all of whom are forever locked in my hearts. When I visited the Sheran family, all I got from Michael was a “Hello.” That’s it. Hahaha. THAT was our grand finale, goodbye forever. I spent two hours talking with his brother Reginaldo though. Finally, he and I got to meet face-to-face… my last day in San Pedro Sula. Reginaldo had been living in Barcelona during my entire stay at his family’s home. He had just graduated (as Valedictorian of his class I might add) and had come back home while I was exploring Guatemala. When Reginaldo and I finally met it seemed as if we had already been friends. I didn’t hesitate to invite him to my final dinner that night before my flight took off at one in the morning. The dinner was being hosted by Edoardo Umanazor, an absolutely intriguing architect/artist I met just the day before. Yes, even as I was leaving I was meeting more utterly enchanting people! How upset I was to meet this fascinatingly creative mind just as I was poised to leave! I met him thanks to Walter. I spent most of my final few days in central America with Walter as he generously aided me in making the “hello-goodbye” rounds and kept me good company during a hard turning-point. For this, I’m am grateful beyond words.

But anyway, Walter introduced me to Edoardo. It was a creative explosion when I met him and we just spilled and shared our ideas and philosophies on people, life and the big grand things we wanted to be a part of in this world. Thus, dinner was organized for the next night, my final night. As luck would have it, Bito (Reginaldo) and Edoardo already knew each other quite well so it worked out perfectly to invite him to the dinner.

Dinner was delicious. My last few hours in central America couldn’t have been spent better. Good food. Good conversation. Good people. It was a mad rush to the airport and that too helped bury the poignant distress I felt about leaving. At the airport I was the last to board the plane… and lost one of my handmade tambores (small bongo-type drum) to security who wouldn’t let me through with it in my hand luggage. It was too late to put it with my checked luggage so I had to leave it. The distress I was feeling about leaving broke through momentarily at that point and a few tears escaped… just briefly. Then I took a deep sigh and regrouped: I rejoiced in the fact that I knew I was coming back (I even have a business plan for the country/region!), I reconciled the lost tambor with the knowledge of knowing I had another in my checked luggage… and I dried up my tears and marched onto the plane.

The fact that I hadn’t wanted to leave was quite evident to my family back in the States apparently. The reunion for the holidays started off good and there was even a wonderful family trip to the art museum, but things got rocky fast. It got rocky with the mom and the step-dad (which is normal between parents and their impromptu, always-out-the-door-and-jetting-off-to-a-new-country daughter actually. Different experiences. Different viewpoints. Different expectations. Simply growth in different directions.) It also got rocky with extended family though. THAT I wasn’t so prepared for and WAS NOT so normal. I had tense confrontations with family members whom I had never before experienced any significant confrontations. “Home” was just not home anymore. I didn’t feel like I was where I belonged, where I was understood, where I was comfortable… where I could just be “me” – whatever that means. But “home” did have my brother and sister… and Vanilla, “my” yellow lab. I needed to go, but leaving would mean leaving them behind after such a short visit… as always. This too tears at me. These feelings too I bury beneath “business.” Leaving my mom always hurts too. We don’t connect at all like we used to when I was younger. But that fact doesn’t make it hurt any less when I leave her. Leaving… I’m always leaving. The hurt that comes with leaving my mom and my siblings feels like something I’ll ever be able to reconcile. I’m not sure what to do about that. Keep burying it? Probably not. What is it I feel with them? I think it’s that they need me for something and I’m never around to give them what they need. Why do I feel like that?

It wasn’t so bad this time though. I was headed to Kansas City with some friends and I would be seeing my mom, step-dad and siblings there for Christmas “Round 2″ with the step-family. I stayed with my dad and my step-mom until the festivities of Christmas “Round 2″ began with my step-dad’s family. My dad’s house is a sanctuary for me in the U.S. It’s a place where I can go to relax, hole-up, and regroup. While my dad and I had a limited relationship when I was younger, we connect now more that I’m older. I feel he understands me a bit more than my mom and step-dad these days. But even he gets anxious about my unstable, impromptu travel lifestyle. This time around he even started grilling me about “my plans, my future, my goals.” My answers were too big, too open, too grand to reassure him. Oh, I have plans. But they’re not to “settle-down” and live a typical, American lifestyle. My plans are to explore all corners of this world. My goals are to get involved with and create projects that change the world. My future is, well, to be determined. I prefer to live in the PRESENT. What can I say of my future?

My step-mom, Kathy, is wonderfully compassionate and supportive. She eagerly listens to my stories, experiences and ideas and simply responds with interest in hearing about what I’ve already encountered and constructive support for how best to go after the ideas I have for “what’s next.” She’s great and I really value the feminine friendship I’ve found with her. When I leave her, I leave comfortably. I feel as if I’m just saying goodbye to a good friend who is good on her way and whom I’ll enjoy meeting again someday soon to share all our new experiences. Why does saying goodbye to her feel so much more positive than saying goodbye to my mom and my siblings?

In Kansas City I met up with old friends and, somehow, despite my hermit-behavior, I forged new friendships. Matt is another whose creative mind leaves me utterly fascinated. His intelligence and eloquence leaves me feeling as if my skills are elementary. He scripts a careful prose that makes my ears prick to attention. Matt takes more time though. I never have enough time anymore to write how I want to write, to write like I did in high school. Matt moves at a calmer pace. He moves with cool rhythm. Maybe that’s because he plays the saxophone and is a huge jazz fan. He also takes great photographs and outwits me in most debates. What can’t he do? Though, I will say he usually wins because again he takes more time – time to think his ideas through more thoroughly, time to communicate those thoughts more eloquently. I need to take more time, to disengage from the frenzy. I’m still working on that.

Matt is keen with a sharp eye. He knows of my restless nature. He was very quick to pick up on and vocalize the reality of my deep-rooted restlessness. He and I shared much quickly. I’m sure we would have shared much more had we had more time. He’s a challenging person. I think he found the same in me. Even though we’re oceans apart he hasn’t stopped challenging me, though I need to take more time to engage in the challenge. I’m so grateful he still provokes it. This one stimulates me to keep rising to the occasion. I’m grateful we were able to root a friendship quickly. His intelligence, talents, sharing and challenges are already invaluable to me. Hope he knows that.

I managed to catch up with Brad and Jay briefly while I was in Kansas City too. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned much about them before. Jay (www.livewithjay.com) I’ve done a bit of blogging work for and he’s a big supporter of the way I try to live and make life work. I hope he knows how grateful I am for his support. Brad introduced me to him and is also another source of invaluable support. Brad understands me on a level well-beyond most others. A spiritual and philosophical guide, he’s refreshing to be around. Being around him is like having a replenishing drink from a cool spring in a hot desert. He’s probably more of a lifesaver than I know. There are periods in my life where I get so worked-up, caught-up that I don’t like being around people too much. I don’t want people to see me in this “frenzied” state because I know it’s not the “best” me. This is strange – this not wanting to see people – because I’m very much a social girl. I LOVE being around people. But, even if I don’t want to see ANYONE, I can see Brad. He sees past the frenzy and I know that. He sees the why. He calms me. He guides me. Wish I could have him around right now, now that I think about it. I don’t think I tell him how important he and his influence are to me. But, I think he knows anyway. Yet another person whose presence in my life is utterly invaluable… intermittent as it may be.

Christmas “Round 2″ was a wonderful treat as always. Oh the step-family holds such a special place in my heart. I’ve shared Epiphany with them since I had but just three years in this fascinating life. In twenty Epiphanies shared since I’ve been joyously and warmly welcomed into the family, I’ve missed just one: Epiphany 2007. Elaborating here would be a journey into an entirely new prose, which hopefully someday I will delve into… but not today. I got to see my mom, step-dad and siblings during this celebration along with the multitudes of step-cousins, aunts and uncles and more. A good reunion before I left.

And these were the people I spent the holiday season with during my brief stop-over back in the States. I left for Europe Jan 11th not really knowing much of anything. I knew I was going. I had leftover flights in different parts of the world from past travels. I didn’t know if I had the means of getting to each of those flights, while also going where I had designs to go and doing what I had designs of doing. Fortunately, I had someone to visit as soon as I got to Europe, to help me transition… once again. I would arrive in Frankfurt the next day on the 12th and immediately hop on a train to visit Thilo in Saarbrucken for a few days. Thilo and I knew each other from my six-months back in my university town of Columbia – after I had worked in Italy and before I had begun my days as a “professional blogger.” I had visited Thilo in Germany once before though since my days as a blogger. So he would be a familiar face to greet me as I returned, once again, to Europe.

In transit, on the leg from Dallas to London in my four-leg journey to be exact, I had the poignant feeling that I was chasing after the sunset… in pursuit of the eternal day. Is that what I’m doing with my life?

On the last leg of journey to my first resting point in Europe, on the train from Frankfurt to Saarbrucken, it struck me: So much of my writing has truly sprung into life while on a train, on a plane or in a bus; while amidst the spirit of travel.

I had another thought: The pen drains me, but I cannot stop. The lens waylays me, but I cannot stop.

The interesting truth is, I find a lot of identity through my writing and, as of these years of heavy travel, through my photos as well. Hmmmm. I know better than to be identified with any thing that is outside of your inner self. Nonetheless, I identify myself largely through blogging: writing, photographing, documenting. It flusters me when I get behind: when I haven’t written, when I haven’t photographed, when I haven’t blogged. What does this mean?

My thoughts, photos and blogs on Europe to come… soon. And I haven’t even gotten to the “looming decision” and the “questionable addiction” yet. I guess you’ll just have to wait. Consider it your cliffhanger.

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This entry was posted on Monday, March 9th, 2009 at 10:20 pm. It is filed under Europe, Musings, Travel, USA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.