“spirtually and passionately alive”
You hear the screech noting his arrival. The high-pitched cry is his trademark. That’s why I call him the Pterodactyl.
“I’m glad you and the Pterodactyl get along,” the Embracer noted happily. “Many people don’t enjoy his company because he can be a bit crude.”
(Side note: My story with the Embracer I still need to tell. But, I call him the Embracer because of his renown for giving huge, warm hugs that leave one feeling radiating with comfort.)
“They just don’t see him for what he really is,” I responded. “The Pterodactyl has a good heart. One can see that… if he really looks.”
When you first meet the Pterodactyl you could easily think ‘what a disturbed being.’ His language can be strong, he screeches like a wild animal and he wants to softly bite everything – seriously everything – like a playful puppy. Often enough, onlookers who don’t know him will shoot him a disgusted look of “oh grow up.”
But from the moment I met him, I felt him: the pure soul that he is. He quickly proved me right. Just like a puppy he longs for cariño, affection. When I offered mine, he quickly rewarded me with a pure, loving adoration – the kind where one really looks and sees you for exactly who you are and loves you, all of you, both the perfection and imperfection. His eyes reflect that same irresistibly adorable look that’s found in the gaze of a little puppy. The first time I wore a top around him that bared my shoulders, he quickly spotted the cluster of freckles on my left shoulder and softly exclaimed, “Oh look! A galaxy! You have a little galaxy on your shoulder!”
His words, so pure and sincere, made my heart skip a beat. I looked at him, startled by just how beautiful his heart really was. “Most people wouldn’t even notice and those who do simply see a cluster of freckles,” I marveled at the Pterodactyl. “But you see a galaxy – a galaxy on my shoulder. I think that’s one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever told me.” Anytime the Pterodactyl saw some physical detail of me that others might consider an imperfection, he always pointed it out with adoration, highlighting it as detail that set me a part in my beauty. What a beautiful way to look at people!
The Pterodactyl is also a photographer and his stunning and unique way of seeing the world is captivated in his photographs. The sparkling play of light on water, intricately small designs found in seemingly normal objects and the silhouette of pigeons dominate his photographs. ‘A undeniably beautiful and unique eye,’ I thought to myself as I leafed through his prints. Yet, certain themes in his work still escaped me the first time I looked.
The people the Pterodactyl surrounds himself with, outside of the Embracer, are… not. Not of him. Not worthy of him. They can be very crude. They don’t see the magic the Pterodactyl sees. When the Embracer invited me to accompany him to visit the Pterodactyl I often went, because the Pterodactyl had completely won me over. But, his other friends that were often found there… it was difficult for me to stand their presence. I just felt bad energy from them. I began to lose myself often when around them. Literally lose myself, in another world. They would talk, laugh and chat and physically I was there – for both the Embracer and the Pterodactyl – but mentally I in another world, meditating, working on myself.
The Pterodactyl, of course, was the first to notice. “Laura Perdida (Lost Laura),” he would tell me. Sometimes he’d let me be, off in my own world; sometimes he would beckon my attention, again just like a little puppy. Each time he did I felt as if I was rapidly spiraling through a tunnel, coming back to the real world, to where my body was. “I don’t know why I keep losing myself, disappearing to another world these days,” I would tell him and the Embracer. “I’ve experienced it before but not with such frequency. I wonder why…”
I also had the habit of leaving the common room notably often – right in the middle of a conversation – and going to the bedroom, where the window to the street was found. I would stand there by myself, looking out the window, wondering what disturbed me so much. Often, the Pterodactyl would come up behind me and stand with me for awhile, gazing out the window. “What’s the matter?” he would ask. I didn’t know so I would just look at his puppy dog eyes, shrug and give him a hug or touch him affectionately.
For about two weeks the Embracer and I began to spend nearly everyday with the Pterodactyl and whatever friends of his that would wander up to his apartment while we were there. During one of these visits, it suddenly struck me to ask the Pterodactyl about his parents. His response was brief: “I don’t really know them.” He left at an alarmingly young age and has been on his own ever since. I didn’t need to ask more. I got the message. His upbringing was very rough and at too young of an age, he had to make a hard decision. He took the courageous decision to escape. My eyes briefly filled with tears. I didn’t know the details, but I felt the pain – his pain. He’s a precious little survivor, struggling to grow amidst much adversity. In that moment I knew, his life is full of demons. This remarkably beautiful soul was valiantly fighting to keep seeing the light amidst so much darkness that surrounded him.
An understanding of ‘what is’ was developing between the Embracer and I. For awhile, I took some space from them, seeing them both much less. I experienced my ‘lost trances’ much less as well.
When I sadly accepted ‘what is’ with the Embracer, I went to visit them both at Pterodactyl’s house. I was still there for them and I always would be and I wanted them to know that, to show them that.
That evening I began having the same ‘lost trances’ amidst a party of people. Eventually, the numbers dwindled to two others outside of we three. One of the two studies criminology – a person who, I feel, sadly recognizes his alarming affinity for grotesque violence and is struggling to transform this affinity and use it for something good. The other, I don’t know much about. But, I didn’t want to find out anything more after this night. The Criminologist had a graphic book with him about gang violence. Many of the images were very disturbing – showing horrible things that some people are capable of doing to others, to the majestic bodies of others. My immediate, natural instinct is repel anything of this nature. I can’t stand it. I don’t want to invite it into my life. It represents everything that I feel is NOT of me. But, I had taken my new lesson to heart: “Enlightenment consists not merely in the seeing of the luminous shapes and visions, but in making the darkness visible. The latter procedure is more difficult, and therefore, unpopular.” (Carl Jung) I need to face the darkness, confront it, so that I know exactly what I need to help others overcome. I began to leaf through the book. The Criminologist observed from my right, slightly showing his alarming emotion for such things. The other observed from my left. His laughter pierced my ears and stung my heart. The more grotesque and perverse the photo, the louder and more shrill his laugh he became. I swallowed back the urge to vomit. This soul to my left was extremely ill. I reached the last page. Closed the book. And sat for a minute. I knew my face was showing my disgust, my absolute disgust for how the person to my left was behaving. In that moment, I began to realize many things.
The Embracer looked at me and look of worried alarm spread over his face, “You’re NOT okay, Laura. What’s the matter?”
“I’m okay,” I responded. “Just realizing some very troubling things. But it’s good. It’s good that I’m realizing them. I’m okay.”
Again he looked at my face: “No. You’re not okay.”
After a few moments I rose and went to the window… and breathed… deeply. ‘Now I know why I go to the window so much,’ I sadly realized. ‘I feel as if I’m suffocating from the negative energy and I come to the window for air.’
I continued to meditate: ‘And that’s why I’m always so lost, losing myself, when I’m here. I literally can’t bear the negative energy, so I leave. Physically I stay, but mentally/spiritually I have to leave.’
I was deeply worried about the Embracer. ‘Why was he spending so much of his time here. He is a king, but he’s surrounding himself with filth. I know he’s here for the Pterodactyl. But the Pterodactyl has so much darkness surrounding him, and now, so does the Embracer.’ I felt as if the Pterodactyl was impeding the Embracer, bringing him down. The Embracer – a cloaked king, who won’t take his thrown.
The Pterodactyl came to the window: “What is it?”
“The way that young man laughed at those photos,” I started to explain. “It hurt me so much. It felt like a stab in my heart. I feel like I’m going to vomit.”
Admittedly, in this moment, I was more worried for the Embracer. But, a voice – outside of me but inside of me – told me to talk to the Pterodactyl, tell him what was in my heart.
I followed my orders:
“Why do you have these people in your life?” I asked mournfully. “You have nothing to do with any of this. Why do you let them come here? You don’t see life like they do. Your photos, they have nothing to do with any of this. This is not you. You are a remarkably beautiful soul.”
“It’s that… I know both worlds,” he responded. “I walk in both worlds. I like to switch back and forth.”
I looked at him with sadness. “No,” I told him. “This is not for you. This is not you.” I was silent for a moment, then words simply started to come: “Just because darkness comes at you, surrounds you, doesn’t mean you are of the darkness. You think, because it surrounds you, that it’s a part of you too. But it’s not. I know I don’t know much about your life, but I can feel you have a lot of hardship and a lot of pain. I feel that in you. But, I also see you. I see you. You are light. You are light! Your soul is beautiful. I can’t put into words the extreme beauty and love that I felt when you told me that I have a galaxy on my shoulder. That was such an incredible thing to say; an incredible way to see freckles. I don’t know anyone else who sees like that. Not even me.”
Once again my eyes welled with tears and I clasped my chest: “Your soul is so beautiful, so full of light. But, right now, just because darkness surrounds you, you believe that you have darkness in you. You don’t. I’m telling you, you don’t. Don’t permit this darkness to stay.
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A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
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